The Peace of God in my Job Search

My palms are sweaty.  I just finished a horrible demo lesson and know that the reaction will be, "We'll call you," will no intention to say yes.  How did I manage to mess that up? If only I prepared more, or thought about how long the labeling would take or had some more classroom management tricks up my sleeve, or... anything, then it would've been fine! Right?

I walk slowly out of the classroom, gathering the remaining bag of Goldfish and my worksheets, carefully placing the chairs atop the table as asked, and then head over to the office where we'll have a final talk.  I remember my past year of learning where, if I learned anything, it was that there are always positives to a lesson, and a successful teacher is an excellent reflector.  So I start thinking about what went well and what I could improve, instead of just saying that I failed.  

I'm asked how I think the lesson went and find myself pleasantly prepared for this question, sharing with ease the positives and specific ways I can make it better.  A pause, and a comment, "I like the way you reflect." 

Among other things she also shares, "It was very gutsy to do a lesson like this upon meeting the students for the first time.  I think when you start teaching, you might want to consider not using lessons like this until October, when you really know the students." Sounds fair to me, despite previous success. Then comes the big question, "So, what do you think?"

How do I answer that? What does she mean? That is one of the most vague questions I've ever been asked, especially in this particular situation so, "What do you mean?" is my automatic reply. 

"What do you think about the job? Would you like the job?" 

My heart pounds. My face flushes (typical). My jaw drops to reveal a gapping mouth. I'm being offered the job right now? Right here? On the spot? Even with my horrible demo?

It is a Christian School, I remind myself, and they need teachers, I could probably be anyone, but here and now they are offering me a job. 

"Umm, well. Yea - Yes, sure!" 

Did I just said yes? So I have a job for next year? 

They go over the more than modest salary, the hours, the classes, I'm handed papers that need to be signed and I'm out the door. I drive home in shock and slight confusion.  I say a quick thank you to God, but at no point to I earnestly seek His guidance. 

I have a job. 

I have a job.

Why am I not excited? 

At home, I check my email once more.  An email that is "marked as unread" still sits in my priority inbox (+1 for Gmail), and I re-read the email from the school that I had previously fallen in love with, a different school than the one I've been accepted to.  I know the general idea of what it says, "...We're not sure of our hiring ability..." which I had seen originally and skimmed the rest. That meant no.  Right? 

But now I take calculated closer look, thinking of the opportunity as gone.  I read "Contact me prior to accepting the job anywhere else." What? I don't remember that...   

Flashback

It is a Friday, one of the first sunny Friday's near the end of April, and I head into Manhattan for my Demo at ICE, a collaborative public school.  I had spend the entire week re-teaching myself statistics and then piecing together a cooperative lesson for a demo. I was nervous, but as soon as I stood in front of those students, my fears subsided.  I proceeded to teach the best lesson I ever taught (in my opinion), and then was rewarded with a, "That was excellent," from the teacher who observed me. "We'll be in contact," is what I'm left with, and I walk out praising God, but mostly I leave with an extreme confidence in my own ability to teach. I love the school! I love the kids! I love how they not only are willing to answer thinking questions, but they ask their own questions! I love the calling teachers by first names! I love the collaborative nature of the school! I love their entire philosophy! I think this might be my dream job! 

So now I stare at this email that says "prior to" and ask myself, Does that mean there is hope for me to get this job? My dream job? I send an email saying I've been offered another job, and am left with heavy heart.  What school to pick? I sorta said yes to Evangal Christian school already, but I didn't sign a contract, I could probably tell them no... What should I do? 

I weigh the pros and cons, I consider my wants, I consider my needs, I consider what will be "My Best Fit."  A lot points to ICE, but, for whatever reason, I still don't call Evangal Christian to apologize and ask for more time. 

The week goes by in a blur of trying to forget, and I don't hear back from ICE, so I start to think, maybe that is God's way of saying I should teach at Evangal Christian School. 

Then it is Thursday. I open my inbox to check when bible study starts, and there is a new email from ICE.  "We do have a spot, but we need two weeks to decide," it reads.  

The AP goes further to ask, "Which place would you prefer to work?"

How is the possible? Why, after a week of starting to feel more confident with Evangal Christian, would God give me this second option again? Why do I need to actually make this choice and not just have it handed to me? 

I consider again, what do I want? And the assistant principal's question nags me.  I think I prefer ICE, but why I'm I reluctant to make that choice? I feel no peace and begin to realize, at no point, during the entire week had I consulted God, or asked for Him to lead me, or even talked to Him about the decision.  I had thanked Him when I got the job, but that was about it.  Instead I had been focused on myself.  

So I start to pray. 

What right do I have to come before my Father with this request when I've been trying to do it on my own for so long? What right do I have to ask for guidance when I've been seeking my own will first? 

I lay this out before Him.  With a small amount of bitterness I ask Him why He was giving me this difficult choice.  I ask Him how my choice in this brings Him any glory.  But then I ask Him for guidance.  

Our God is Sovereign, and all things work for His glory.  Thus, I ask for the choice that will glorify Him, and not myself.  It doesn't happen immediately. 

It's Friday and I wake up at 6AM, something I haven't done in 2 weeks, with the express intention of discovering if the commute to Evangal Christian School is doable for me if I leave at 6:30AM (because if I have to leave any earlier than that, I don't think it will be a match)! 

I get in the car, and pray.  

"Our Father who art in Heaven..." The "Lord's Prayer" is my model, as I praise God for His sovereignty and His characteristics of Glory. "Give us this day..." What do I need today? I need to Desire God above all else, I need to have strength to resist temptation and fight the fight. I need to know what school I should choose.  

I make it to the school with 5 minutes to spare.  The trip is doable.  I pull to the side in an illegal spot, put my hazards on, and cry out. 

I don't think about the pros and cons. 

I don't think about what I want. 

I don't think about the advice some friends have shared. 

I just think about God. 

My ears focus in on the song playing in the background:

"Oh Father, use my ransomed life in anyway You choose."

I cry.  And I know.

But Lord, what about the hardships I was worried about? Philippians 4:13
But Lord, what about what I wanted? Philippians 4:11
But Lord, what about the sound advice other's have given me? Philippians 4:8

Oh what a peace! In all my questions and my what ifs God, I'm reminded of the scriptures.  I consider how I meditated on Philippians 4 the day before because of the advice from a sister, and I remember the promises Paul talks of.  Oh What Peace comes from Resting in the Guidance of God!

I see now how the Woman of Virtue in Proverbs 31 can rejoice in the time to come for God is her rock!

So, I have a job.  Next September I'll be working at Evangal Christian School where I'll drive to joyfully each day, knowing that this is the Lord's plan, and His plan is Good.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

Day 2 of Being Thankful

I realize that I'm going to be really bad at keeping up with this assignment.  So Today I'm posting my late thankfulness, which is actually a cumulation of Tuesday and Wednesday's photos.  Then later I'll hopefully get to today, Thursday's, thankful photos.

2.1: My Synthroid Pills that I have to take everyday for my thyroid.  The fact that the doctors caught that I needed this in time, after I was born, is a blessing in itself, and I'm thankful for the fact that I have it everyday, have insurance to pay for it, and live in a place where it is easy to come by.  

2.2: I'm thankful for my cat, Madison, who has taught me how I'm indeed a cat person.  Praise God for All Creation. 

2.3: My car keys, and with that, my car.  When I actually stop to think about it, I'm so blessed to have a car that I can use to get around and serve others with.  If I didn't have a car these past four years, I would've missed out on so much and thus I'm thankful for these keys that let me use my car.
I'm also thankful that they aren't lost, as I have a habit of loosing them. 

2.4: Johnnie, a best friend, who reminds me to make decisions that are God honoring, even when I don't want to.
She knows too much about me but still loves me, thus reflecting Christ, and for that I'm eternally thankful that my God has given me her, and many of my other friends, who I can confide in and I know will hold me accountable. 

2.5: I'm thankful for the TIME 2000 office, and program (and the people from it).  It is weird to think that I have graduated, and no longer will be spending the majority of my time in this office where I've basically called a second home for the past three years.  I'm so thankful that God provided me with the opportunity to work for the program that I love, I'm thankful that He gave me opportunities to meet so many great people and learn so much just being there.  I'm thankful that I had the office to treat as a locker many times, relieving much stress, which praise God, He teaches me to trust Him. I had to hand in my keys for this office on Wednesday, and I will miss it, and the people inside it, but I'm thankful for every memory it brought.  

Daily Thankfulness

 Recently a friend posted how she was going to be saying thanks for 10 things everyday for 100 days.  I think I need to do something like that but instead I'm going to do 5 things for 50 days.

And so starts DAY 1 of being thankful.

1.1: The bible, today Hebrews 12 specifically, reminding me to throw off the sin that entangles me.

1.2: John Piper's "When I don't Desire God; How to Fight for Joy" because I remember that it is a fight,
and He should be my greatest desire, no matter the cost.

1.3: My running shoes, and the ability to Run - not only as an exercise but also as a means to clear my head.

1.4: My sister for the wisdom she imparts and because she goes running with me. 

1.5: Grass - a simple creation of God that makes suburbia that much prettier, that makes me want to lie down in it

This Day, Dig Down Deep.

Joshua Harris has written a book, well actually a few books (notably I Kissed Dating Goodbye), but I want to focus on Dug Down Deep, a book that my church will be going through together this semester. I've started reading.  I'm hooked.

I wanted to mention a couple quotes that stood out to me as I was reading the first two chapters:

"... orthodoxy isn't just for old men but is for anyone who longs to behold a God who is bigger and more real and glorious than the human mind can imagine." (page 16)

"My soul had been craving good, solid, undiluted truth about God and the good news of his Son's life, death, and resurrection. I didn't need to be entertained ... I needed to know God." (page 26)



I remember the feeling of coming to my present church, and feeling as the second quote described, I had been craving real food, and finally I got this wonderful taste of it - and didn't want to leave it, because I wanted, or rather needed to know God.

This was reiterated for me in this past summer, and I realized how little my berth of knowledge of Him is, and how much I want to know Him ... only to come home and feel like I was a million miles away from what I wanted to be doing, seeking Him.

These weeks back haven't been a great time of application, but rather a relaxation, where I seemed to let everything slip away. But praise God for His constant pull in my life.  Between yesterday's sermon, the reading of these chapters, and a John Piper Sermon I've been listening to, the Lord has given me a wake-up call, and I'm ready to start diving in deep - digging deep, that I may set my roots firm in the knowledge of Him to saved me.

Today

Today. Today was my last day volunteering at Connie's Home.  Today I met Joyce (a sweet woman who spends her year at Connie's Home, but she was gone for the summer).  Today marks my "one week left" stretch.  Today is the day that I find out may people have received my post cards.  It seems as if today has held a lot, yet for most of the day I've felt speechless - not knowing how to handle much of anything.

I should probably share what has been on my heart.  The past week has been overwhelming at times as I've considered sins that I've been caught up in, and have convinced myself that it is okay to go back and keep doing them, for I'm forgiven. Yes, we are saved by grace, but everywhere in the bible is layered with ideas that say also that we must work to rid ourselves of sin.  Pursue Holiness, rid yourselves of uncleanliness, work out your salvation, carry your cross ... anyway, to make something that has been a bit of a long struggle into a light blog topic, all I need to say is praise God for revealing the sin inside me and providing strength anew to fight back.  "Make War" John Piper says, and yes - that is what I need to do daily.                                   Today.





I suppose that soon a blog will due about my thoughts, and what I've learned from being here in Thailand, on a "mission trip" but that is not for today.  Today I rest, contemplate, and think ... well tonight being that it is quite late already.

Rainbows, promises, chicks and Glorifying Him

A random tidbit of fun fact is that yesterday, as I walked out of School of Promise library, I heard some chirping.  This isn't necessarily uncommon, considering the abundance of chickens that roam around houses, waiting to be someone's meal, but I turned towards the noise anyway.  There walked  6 little chicks. Chicks are cute in an ordinary fashion, but these were no ordinary chicks - these were rainbow chicks.  Each chick was colored a different color, one red, one orange, one yellow (I think this was died because it was so bright), a green, purple and pink.  It didn't look bad, it actually must have been very well done because it almost looked natural; with little white feathers peaking through the color.  Shocked I was, and completely in aw ... I remembered raising chicks with the family when I was younger - having the incubator and watching them hatch, and then, when they got too big, giving them to a farm... at least I think that is what happened!  So that was an adventure.   It was sorta cool, because they matched the school... being that the School of promise symbol involves a rainbow for the Promises of God.  Yes, a good reminder that God gives us promises.  Anyway, that isn't the purpose for this blog. This is: 

I was working on another blog post for School of Promise, when the song As Long as You are Glorified came on. We have sung this in my church a few times - each time I have been struck by it as I consider the will of my God in my life.  Click the title for a link to a YouTube (that has lyrics in both the video and the description) so you can both hear it, and read all the lyrics, but I wanted to highlight some of the lyrics with what has been on my heart. Still, I seriously encourage you to reflect on all the lyrics, because they are beautiful. 

"Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings, yet not welcome any pain? "

This one is powerful for I've been reading through 1 and 2 Thessalonians AND have been listening to a series by John Piper called "Treasuring Christ and the Call to Suffer," and thus it has been on my heart that we must be content, even in suffering, and rejoice in the Lord all the more. 

"Oh let Your will be done in me, ... 

Oh I long for nothing else as long as You are glorified"

So, basically the whole chorus... when I consider my greatest desires, it always comes back to living a life worthy of the high calling of our God, living a life according to His will, and honoring Him in all that I do.  Can we honestly say, "I long for nothing else..." even in the times when we are in pain? I say it now, so resolutly, but I continually pray that this is a conviction in all things - that I can live as Paul lived, rejoicing in his suffering.

"So quiet my restless heart..."

Self explanatory?  Maybe not, but it is something I need work on, that my heart be still; trusting that God is in control.  Lord, may You quiet my heart, that often falls into the temptation of worry for what lays ahead. May I forever trust in You, and know your will for me is perfect. Amen

So, as I consider the will of God in my life, I consider the promises He has given, and know these fit hand in hand.  He will never forsake His chosen, for He loves us and has a perfect plan designed. 

Through the good times and bad

Sunday was both good and bad ... Things aren't always peachy.  








Yesterday (Sunday) I had the opportunity to go with one of the Thai teachers here, Cru Plume, to a church where her husband preaches. It was awesome to see these people worshiping, but I had no clue what was going on being that it was in Thai. Pros there are to see the dedication that these people have to serving the Lord, and that I was able to rejoice with Cru Plume and make her happy.  The con is a feeling like I wasn't spiritually satisfied.  That leads me to frustration, because I shouldn't have to rely on a pastor's teaching to satisfy me spiritually, but instead on Christ... so thus my frustrations began. 


Later I went to walking street.  Basically a street they close off on Sunday, filled with venders and goodies.  A yellow songtao made my journey easy (fixed rate because they only have one route), but they stop running at 6, so I knew I would need to take a red songtao back home.  I joyfully met up with Allison and Anna and we had a good time perusing the vendors, and contemplating things to buy.  Soon I realized that I needed money, especially if I wanted to get home! I considered how much I must have spent since I've been here, and anger at myself started rising - what I'm I doing, I should be frugal!  Another frustration arose.  Bidding farewell to my lovely friends, I headed back to the road busy with cars, tuck-tucks, and songtaos seeking to drive the foolish foreigners home for outlandish prices. I stopped at an ATM along with way, chastising myself for the need to do that.  Then there was the songtao.  


A red songtao stopped alongside me, and the driver motioned as to where I was going.  I tried explaining, but was met with blank stares from he and his wife.  Thankfully (as I can see is the Lord's protection) there was a woman sitting in the back who understood English and explained for me.  
High price. Okay - I sorta expected that. Climbing in. 
The woman and I began to talk.  She had worked in Bush Gardens in Williamsburg, PA for a summer and she shared how she enjoyed it.  As we talked, I kept thinking about how I could even slip in a mention of my Savior - but I didn't.  Soon, she was dropped off, and I was left in the back of the songtao, alone, contemplating my distrust and weakness in sharing.  Frustration grew as I chastised myself for not trusting that God would give me words, and I thought about scripture that calls us to boldness for the faith. I saw a 7-Eleven sign coming up on the right, a marking point for where I live, so I rang the buzzer, paid, and watched the songtao drive off... noticing it was the wrong 7-Eleven.  Still, it wasn't too bad, maybe a quarter mile until the entrance of the area in which I'm living, and I began to walk.    


The walking lasted a little more than I had anticipated, for although I reached the housing area in which I lived, and was safely in the bounds of the gate, I had forgotten the turns it took to get back.  Things look different in the dark.  Both stray and gated dogs bark as you pass the massive gates that seem to define living in middle class to upper class Thailand.  I wasn't worried in the sense that I felt very safe, and knew, as I always do when I'm lost, that I'd eventually get there. The key is eventually. And although worry doesn't define my feeling, anxiousness does.  As I walked I considered the events of the day.  I was frustrated at so much, and started crying out to the Lord, more as a plea to make it stop.  My anxiety heightened my frustration being that we are to be "anxious about nothing" and I made that request known to God... but my frustrations were still with me.  


After an hour I made it home. 


I'm thankful Scott and Sarah were Skyping with family, because I don't think I would want them to see me as I was.  Hot, sweaty, and ready to snap from frustration - a hot mess. I ran upstairs, turned on the air, took a shower and got ready for bed. I remember contemplating the thought - what am I doing? Do I really feel called to missions? I want to tear at the thought, but my stubbornness doesn't allow for it, so I vege-out watching nonsense on my computer. And then, sleep. 


I just saw this blog from desiring God and it is a good reminder of yesterday:
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/as-you-prepare-for-another-week
Yes, sleep is exactly what I needed to be rid of my frustrations, to cast aside my anxiety, and realized that at the end of the day it was God who was in control all along.  While I may sin, and mess up, and be angry at myself, it is my Father who has already forgiven because of His Son, and my Creator who lays me down for rest in His hands.  






So it was good and bad.  I feel my justification of the bad has been sufficient, but there were also glimpses of good in the joy of Cru Plume when I arrived at her church, or the happiness I had with Allison and Anna, and the kindness of the woman on the Songtao, but the good extends further.  I was exceedingly humbled in realizing that just because I'm here "on a mission trip" doesn't make me any less prone to sin, and I rejoice that as I've been asking my God to humble me, He has already begun. There is goodness, because I can see that all things work towards the good of those who love God. 

Elephants and being lead

Driving back to the house today, I was acutely aware of the mountains in the distance.  It is easy to get so caught up in the routine of life here, in the ins and outs, and begin to not see things as that aw-struck view from day one, but instead see it all as ordinary.  As I stared out the window of the car, I realized once again how beautiful those mountains are. The humidity haze creating a beautiful blue effect, despite the lush green reality - different shades of blue decorate each ridge as they expand into the distance.   A beautiful display of creation, as a perfect ending of spending the day with elephants!

Yes, I did say elephants.  It was something that needed to be done before I left Thailand - visit the elephant camp.  It was awesome, firstly because I saw Allison (and Anna), secondly because I saw elephants, and rode an elephant, and got an elephant kiss.  Still, despite my awesome day of elephants, there is so much more to say.

In routine, has come the thoughts of what the Lord is leading me to.  Can I remember two years back, when I knew I needed to be in Thailand? Or one year back, when things started falling into place and the comment of, "I'm not sure if I need to be there long term or what, but I know at least for the summer..." was thrown around. First by me, and then Rebecca, and now here I am. In Thailand.  I woke up yesterday morning, still in that groggy, half sleeping state, and didn't know where I was.  It wasn't panic, it was more of a comfort that resounded to make me question if I was at home. I actually thought of Keswick for a moment too, and then realized that I was in Thailand, and the thought flashed through my head of, wow, thats sorta awesome.  Sorta awesome that all the Lord revealed to me has come to pass.  Now, I consider what has the purpose been?

Why did I need to be in Thailand this summer? From what I've seen thus far, it goes back to learning.  I've learnt so much about what ministry can look like, because it honestly looks different in different cases.  I've witnessed the active humility that comes from some people who have been ministering for years and years - not with an effort to be humble, but instead, it just seeps out in everything they do.  I've experienced the motivation that comes from seeing people passionate about seeing others come to saving faith, passionate to the point of complete surrender. And I've been blessed by the two families I've stayed with, learning different things from both. I would need to go into details for each situation in which I'm learning, but I feel the above synopsis provides enough. I've learned a lot but I still have many questions.

When the elephants painted their pictures, it was really their masters guiding them - an extra hand, an extra tool, in making artwork.  Meanwhile, the elephants probably had no idea what they were doing, they just reveled in the rewards from their masters, and the applause the crowd gave.  I really must let my God be the guide and not worry about what will be happening in the future.

Church Planting and Waterfalls

So I've slowly been reading through Joshua, and thus I came upon chapter 22 yesterday, and continued meditating on it today.  Basically we see the Reubeites, Gadites and half the tribe of Manasseh following God and they're ready to get land.  Really, I recommend reading it because you see this little conflict that arrises because of an alter they build, and everyone is thinking that they are worshiping and offering sacrifices to false gods - something that resonates with me here in Thailand considering the mass amounts of idol worship, and the food sacrifices they leave in front of little "prayer houses" every morning.  But this was not the case here. 
Suddenly, as you continue to read, you realize that this isn't the case with these people, but rather they want to also worship the one true God, and use it as a witness for their children, and children's children lest they forget who saved them.  
Immediately upon reading this I was thinking about church planting.  The goal of church planting is for the church (remember that a church is the body of believers) to get to a point of self sustaining.  In the core values of Pioneers, they say, "We want to see new believers united in fellowship with other believers, forming churches that plant churches ... (Core Values, Pioneers.org)." Basically, you are there to help the people know God, and help them start a local church, and equip them to be able to share the gospel with others, and grow the local church.  
Joshua 22 reminded me of this because I got to thinking how these people, the Reubeites, Gadites and half the tribe of Manasseh understand God as the one true God, and wanted this to be passed down to their ancestors.  That is amazing! 
In a different context, can you imagine being a type of witness where you see people who previously didn't know the Lord at all become so passionate that they will take deliberate measures to make sure He is known, all because God used you to share the gospel with them.  
When I read it I was almost in tears with Joy that it brought me, and even typing that now - what a blessing to share in such a witness, what a blessing to be such a testament of God's grace, what a blessing to be part of the growth of the church of God, what a blessing to see more of the Saints come to know Him, that when the end times come, we can sing together, unified, to God to whom all glory belongs.  

So that is something that has been on my heart for the past two days, and I'm glad to share it with you.  On a slightly less spiritual note, yesterday Scott, Sarah and I went to the falls.  These were the same falls that I went to with Jocelyn and the kids 2 maybe 3 weeks ago, except this time, we actually went in, and I thought you'd like to see some pictures ... so I created a small collage:

The falls were beautiful, and we enjoyed swimming in them! I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed writing it! 

Rainy day Prayers

It's raining.

I love the sound of rain.  When it rains at home I'll frequently lie down in my parents room, loving the sound of the rain against the awning right outside their window. Right now I feel the same.  It rains at least once a day here, so its not as if it is a new concept.  But right now, with a silent house, knowing I'll be moving in a couple days, and with prayer on the mind, this rain brings me back to the moments when I'm lying on my parents bed - waiting in silence and many times, Praising God.
I've listened to about half of Pastor Ed's sermon from June 24 "Livin' on a Prayer," where you're honestly going to havta have a listen if you want the full effect of it on 1 Kings 18.  Right now the reference to James 5:17-18 rings in my ears - prayer for no rain, and then, prayer for rain. It isn't that I want the rain outside to stop, I absolutely love it, but the rain is what brings me to the thought of the prayer.

Prayer.

It has been on my mind a lot quite recently, and this morning the Lord was revealing fresh truths about it while I was looking through Joshua 10.  In Joshua 9, Israel had made a deal with a neighboring  people group without seeking counsel of the Lord, and in chapter 10, they need to go help them because of it.  This time, Joshua does seek counsel, because we see the Lord's response in verse 8.  More that the rest of the story, it was this that struck out at me most.   Joshua had learned that He needed to seek the Lord's counsel - and the Lord heard the prayers.  Do I always seek His counsel? Do I even go to Him in prayer enough? These have been on my heart with a realization that I really don't, that especially where I am right now, it is He of whom I should always go. Maybe rainy days should serve to remind me that I need to be praying - communing with God, and beseeching Him in regard to the Lost Souls that surround me on a daily basis; both here ant at home.

Revelations in Connie's Home

Connie's Home on Tuesdays - that became part of the plan of me being here.  A way to get more mission experience, and an outlet to get my passport. So yesterday was a Tuesday and thus naturally I was at Connie's home.  


Working at Connie's Home is a huge blessing as it has been revealing a little of the Lord's plan in my life.  For one thing, I'm really not a baby/toddler person! Haha, it feels weird to say that, but I'm discovering how true that is - I much more enjoy having full conversations, having people listen and understand, and not always having to deal with the personalities that toddlers bring.  I write this as a reminder to myself that I am by no means perfect, and while I can adapt to temporary situations, I definitely don't think I could do certain things for prolonged periods of time - as in, volunteer at Connie's Home indefinitely - and that is something I need to pray about, but it has revealed to me things I do enjoy.  

 While young children may not be my forte (in contrast to my mother who is an awesome kindergarden/1st grade teacher, and somehow those little kids come out learning things from her), I do have a passion for teaching high school (Praise to my Father who has me in a program where I learn to teacher high school) and young adults - specifically females.  Therefore, I'm realizing that I have a huge heart for woman's ministry.  Some of my most memorable moments have been in ministry with other girls - talking about our God, and teaching lessons.


Part of Connie's Home - while being a foster care facility, also allows girls to come out of prison and stay as helpers as part of their rehabilitation.  It is really a great idea, and a wonderful way to present the gospel by building up these relationships.  Connie also seeks to teach them English - being that it will be easier for them to communicate with the volunteers, and the children who are learning English.  So yesterday, I got to help two girls as they were learning English (the kiddies had nap time) and it was really awesome.  They taught me some Thai words, and I felt like I was developing a better relationship with them.  I'm really excited to see how Allison develops with these young ladies too, since she'll be there 24/7 (who by the way, made it safely, thank you for praying).


So anyway, I really enjoy working at Connie's home.  The children are adorable, and I really don't mind one day working with them - I just keep praying for strength, and the rewards of blessing far outweigh my selfishness.  Praise God who breaks down our walls.

I went for a walk to a restaurant for lunch, and passed this man, in a field. I guess it is easy to forget that this isn't really something that I see everyday in NY, because it is something that I see everyday here! I thought it may be cool for everyone else to see, and consider what this man's life is like.  

The walk was really nice, and I memorized one more verse from Philippians... (one more - so progress is a little bit slower than I anticipated, but it is still a great encouragement).

Random tidbits of information from today

Today in church, the speaker taught on Luke 15- The prodigal son, and with the Thessalonians fresh in my mind I kept relating it to how Paul was reminding the believers that they were called to live holy lives; warning the believers that they were not called for uncleanness.  Can believers acting in uncleanness be compared to the prodigal son? I think so - and that is what really got me thinking.
Although the sermon wasn't super organized (I am spoiled with NSBC teaching), there were some great points that really got me thinking - and in which the Lord really encouraged me in certain points.

There isn't much I can say further right now, with my thoughts still jumbled, but whenever I start to ponder my purpose here, the Lord reveals new lessons - I am so blessed.

Further, today I met Koon At, a friend of a friend of my dad :) and she was a lovely Thai lady, dedicated to making me feel welcome and happy.  I got to walk around the mall with her, which felt exceedingly normal and relaxed, and then took a Songtao/walked home.  There is something about taking the songtao that makes me feel more part of Thailand life.  Then walking doesn't really, considering almost no one walks around, but it was still nice to pass by stores, and see life happening around me.  I stopped at a nice coffee shop and got an iced green tea, in which they put condensed milk (like they put in a whole lotta things here...) and it is delicious! Then, because the walk was sorta long, I took some time to pray.  Oh what a joy it is to plead before the Lord in prayer, especially as I walk past people lost in idolatry!

Anyway - tomorrow begins my third week working, which at first seems like "woah, that was quick" but then I'm like, oh that is only like 3/10ths of my time here... not even half. I'm not sure how I feel about this quite yet - I really trying to put aside my thoughts and think about the Lord only, and for that, I know this is a great thing.

I'll bring more updates as they come. 

Reflections and Musings on missions in my life

Some time this week I am planning on talking a bit on the culture and the things around Thailand that have really  been on my heart (along with some pictures), but today I wanted to share some things that have been on my heart in regard to long term missions.

From when I was very young I envisioned myself going out and being a missionary - telling people about Jesus! But then it was more of an idealized concept of what I thought would bring me the most "glory." Of course I didn't think about like that then, but I remember that time, when all I could think on was how I could please people the most.  I was a christian because that was what I was brought up to believe, but I hadn't yet had a heart transformation.
When I was 16, and the Lord wonderfully transformed my heart of stone to a heart of flesh, it was a heart that could only beat for Him.  I began to realize that the only way I experience true joy was when I worshiped and served Him, and so my desire to go into missions began to really take way.  When looking at colleges I wanted one that was mission focused and Houghton was that for me, but the Lord lead me away from that. I didn't fight it, but I did wonder why - just trusting that the Lord has great plans.
Well, there are many stories that have lead me to where I am now (as in Thailand) and ways that the Lord has molded me, and prepared me, and so far I can only marvel as to little lessons that He has been revealing - not so much about the Thai people, but about being a missionary in general.  The first being Loneliness.

In 1 Kings 17:3 Elijah is told by the Lord to live in the wilderness, and he stays there for a time before going to Zarephath.  This is a time where Elijah is alone, only with the Lord, but it dawned on me how the Lord may call us to be "lonely" for certain times, but never for prolonged times, for we are in need of fellowship "not forsaking the assembling of ourselves..." While on the mission field there may be times that I feel lonely, but I know that the Lord is always with me, I have nothing to fear, and these times are only temporary.  I can imagine Paul at times felt lonely while in Prison, but he would use those times to glorify the Father, as he did in any other situation, and I must think as such.

Thinking of missions, I know that when I graduate I will need to be getting some "bible" schooling - and I would like to get my masters at a Christian College.  The worry about getting some teaching done starts to creep in, but I know the Lord will lead me to whatever is best.  Recently Wheaton, with the Billy Gram Scholarship has seemed very enticing and I need to seriously be praying on whether or not this is where I should be going when I graduate in a year.  Furthermore, I've been kinda looking into different mission organizations that I've heard about, specifically Pioneers and To Every Tribe.  Lets see where the Lord will bring me!





As a word of prayer, keep these things in mind, but also keep my host family in mind.  The father has to leave and check on their business for two weeks, and the family seems very down - pray that they may have the joy of the Lord and not be worried for him. Thank you.

Who knows the mind of our God?

So I came to work at the school of promise just as two girls (sisters) were leaving, but what I did not realize was what they were doing exactly. This is Amber's, one of those girls, website:  http://www.amberkonz.com/.  She has spent the last few months creating designs for school of promise - their webpage and their logos, Totally awesome!


"Who knows the mind of our God?..." So goes the first line of the chorus of a frequently sung song at my church - a song that I adore.  As I sing it I consider just how much He has lead me without my knowledge or understanding, yet so often I neglect this understanding.  So often I can say, yes God's plan will come to pass, yet still loose time worrying about what I should be doing for Him.

I am surrounded by people, like Amber, who are set on serving the Lord with specific goals in mind - meanwhile I feel so lost as to knowing what He wants from me.  Today I read chapter 18 of Shadow of the Almighty called "Under Way," recounting the beginning of Jim Elliot's first long term mission trip to Ecuador. The path it took for him to get to that point involved lots of prayer and service.  Prayer, this is what I need to be diligent in, that I may seek the Lord's will for my life, constantly leaning on His guidance.  He brought me here so I must trust that He will not abandon me now, "He is faithful to complete it." If I seem repetitive, it is for my purposes, for I need to remind myself of this truth.  Please Pray that I may trust that the Lord will lead me towards His perfect will, no matter my faults or imperfections.

Tonight I had the opportunity to go out to the night bazaar and see the little shops Thailand offered.  It reminded me a lot of the temporary set ups around NYC, especially china town, except condensed - one after another.  There are lots of tourists walking around, but you still get a chance to see a little bit of Thai culture in the way items are presented, the types of activities offered, and the way some dress.  I also had the chance to meet Emily, another amazing person with her heart set on serving the Lord.  Emily has lived in Thailand for three years, and worked with School of Promise, but now the Lord is leading her to different places.  She is waiting on the Lord, and it was such an encouragement to hear about her leaps of faith as she seeks to follow His will.  I also heard about different missions organizations from her, and I'm excited to check them out. How He loves me that He answers prayers as I meet people and form relationships.  We are called to love with brotherly affection, yes, and through that the Lord has many blessings - for me right now He is teaching me of His will.  I cannot pretend I know the mind of my God, but I must stay prayerful that I may trust He will lead me.

First Hours

Getting off the plane in Bangkok there were all these signs advertising the First Bank of Thailand, showing different scenes of "firsts" that exist in life, first car, first house, first steps etc.  And so I reminisce on my first hours of Thailand.

First city in Thailand: Bangkok.  First worry of Thailand: fact that I missed a flight.

I walk up to the kiosk to get my boarding pass so I can take my final, one hour flight to Chaing Mai, only to be told that I am too late for the time originally listed on my schedule of flights - I needed to wait to see if they could put me on the next available flight to Chaing Mai.

I wont belabor the point, but it was totally scary and I kept praying, seeking a way to trust that the Lord would lead me. I got on the next flight (2 hours after the original) and, despite my worries, my luggage made it too!

So now I'm in an air conditioned room in the School of Promise, waiting for a ride to see my host family.  So begins my first solo mission trip - and I want to have the attitude selling all for the most valuable treasure, Glorifying the Father.

Preparation

Being that I'm getting ready to leave, I decided I'd add another post as an update and a summary of what the Lord has done so far.

"And can it be, that I should gain, and interest in the Savior's blood..." Wesley had the right idea as he penned those words so many years ago, for so often I stop and ponder the same, How can it be that He died for me? Only because it so pleased Him, and because of this I wish to live for Him.

It has been almost a year since the plans for this have been coming together, and what a whirlwind! Now I'm off to Thailand, without specific details of what I'll be doing, but preparing to do whatever the Lord has planned for me.

Furthermore, I praise Him for the reminder that He has made me clean; He has purified me.  I have no right to be telling others of His love on my own, for on my own I am wretched.  I've been having one of those weeks where my sin bears down on me, and my only thoughts lead me to ideas that I have no right to be sharing the gospel when I am in such dire need, but the Lord is good, and I have already been saved by grace. Therefore what He sees when He looks upon me is His precious Son. This all the more reason I wish to live for Him and proclaim His name to all who may hear.

Sometimes I fear that this summer will result in no growth, and it'll turn out to be a trip where I help out in a way that I could have at home. This leads to a worry of how it'll affect my walk with the Lord, and furthermore causes me to worry about what I'll say when people expect to hear about exciting things but I'll have nothing.  These thoughts are poison, for the Lord is always working, this I know, and with these thoughts I exhibit a lack of faith.
~Oh Lord, forgive this sinful heart of mine, and use me as you see fit to further Your glorious Kingdom - How I yearn to Honor you My God! Amen.


So to Chiangmai I go, serving with Chiangmai Christian Fellowship, helping with a school and orphanage, and anywhere else the Lord may lead me.  Maybe this is where I'll end up living, who knows but the Lord!  Whatever the case may be, He is bringing me there this summer, and I'm excited to see His plans.

My Lament on my pride

"Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
... Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee." --Fran­ces R. Ha­ver­gal


My life? Myself? All for Thee? "Yes Lord, Yes."  These are my desires, but my pride builds up walls - how can I overcome these?  
As I sing these words, I lie.  For despite my desires to see them true, my whole self isn't devoted to Him, else I'd be content in all things, as Paul says. I do not say, "take myself" in honesty, else jealous envy wouldn't arise as I heard of strong faith surpassing my own.  I do not live All for Him, else I wouldn't have the moments of wanting recognition, instead of boasting in my God.
Oh what filth! What a pitiful mess I am! That my God should love me I shall never understand.  "You see the depths of my heart, yet you love me the same..." At least I sing that with truth, and incredulity.  


No, I must resist with the weapons of warfare that Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 10:5, designed specifically for pulling down the strongholds of my pride I've built up - but oh, the times I've prayed that! I must work at it.  For all I want is to know and Glorify my God, my Savior - but cannot fully with such pride as mine!
Understanding the will of God comes with all humility - Oh Lord, that I may seek to know your will, seeking it out in Humility.  


Andrew Murray comments: "Such humility is not a thing that will come on its own. It must be made the object of special desire, prayer, faith and practice."

And C.S. Lewis, who describes Pride as the Great Sin, says: "Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less."
(http://www.tentmaker.org/Quotes/humilityquotes1.htm)




"Oh Lord, may I not think of myself at all, if fact consider, as Paul did, all things loss.  I do not want those as empty words oh God, no - Father help them to be true, help me to seek to work at breaking down my pride, and practice humility often.  For all I want is you My God.  All I want is to follow Your will, Your way, Your truth.  You Are my GOD.  I cannot say it enough, for saying it reminds me of the great grace you have shown me in adopting me into Your family.  You are my Father.  Thank you. Lord how can I not be humble at the thought of You. Thank you. I love you more than I can understand (testament of Your love in me).  Amen. "

Word of Encouragement: Acts 5:38-39

"...for if this plan or this work is of men, it will come to nothing; but if it is of God, you cannot overthrow it—lest you even be found to fight against God.”

This week the Lord reminded me of His grace and how my works are nothing without Him, He choose me, a weak vessel, to glorify Himself, as 1 Corinthians 1:26-30 talks about.  Allison texted me this verse from Acts and I was totally encouraged, knowing that the Lord is who supports me, even when I'm failing - that He will accomplish with me all He set out to do, I just need to trust Him.  With the help of the Lord, Peter walked on water, and fell only when he took his eyes away. May we keep our eyes focused on the perfecter of our faith - whose will is always kept. 

Two Years Ago

Organizing my files today I found this:

What am I becoming?

I was never quite like this,

No I was never part of this world like I’m living now

I have always been that good, sweet, kind girl;

That innocent one

Is that the problem?

I’m sick of that title

I don’t know what to do

Surly what I’m doing isn’t the answer,

No this is not the answer,

At least not for what I’m seeking – no.

I’m seeking something pure, something right, something true

None of this trickery, fakery, make-believe,

I want someone worth believing in

Someone I can count on to hold me through it all

Wow, how that someone can only be my Lord.

Time to stop living life as I have been,

Stop living in the world,

Start living for today and for my Savior

Two years ago I wrote that - wrote it during a time where I just wasn't living as a the "living sacrifice" I'm seeking to live as now.  It's so easy now to look back to the time when I was saved and see all the ups and downs, above being a "down" in life.  I look at that above and feel ashamed, I actually remember writing it and adding a password to the document in fear I'd be asked what was going on.  Looking at it now its so easy it is to say, what was I doing?! But then realize that the Lord has taught me so many things out of my folly, Praise Him for His Sovereignty, using my pathetic fumbles to teach me great things.  

In my musings I'm lead to the possibility of where I'll be in two years.  I in fact have no clue because I see various different paths that might happen, but I'm also not worried because I know the Lord is leading me in His Will.  All I can seek to do is continue to follow Him.  I don't want to look back and feel ashamed again, but live full force ahead for my Creator. 

Discerning God's Will...?

Knowing where God is leading us is perhaps one of the most frequently discussed topics that I've had with my close, Saved, friends.  How do we know? Is it like waiting for a sign, a voice?  It makes for great discussion because we cannot pretend to have answers like that.  Romans 11:34 quotes just that concept from Isaiah and Jeremiah, "Who has known the mind of the LORD?"
Yet, like every other aspect of life, the Lord is gracious, and never leaves us floundering.  You need only to continue reading to Romans 12:2 before you hit a rule for proving the will of God, a rule of transformation.

Sometimes the way things happen just make you smile up at the Lord, because only He could allow circumstances to fall into place as they do.  Like when in my math course, I've been reviewing the concept of transformations and proofs.  At that same time, I was lead to Romans 12 from a mention in a book, but I went with a heavy heart, "Lord, I've read this so many times - please give me Your eyes for new truths," I asked. And right there, it was about proving His perfect will after the transformation of your heart... [insert inside joke smile here], okay, thanks for the new meaning, I thought, but why is this important when I know it already?
Well, I was humbled, and quite literally. I've always thought of presenting myself as a living sacrifice meant presenting myself before the Lord for His service - and yes, in a way it is, but as I read through Romans 12 again, and then one more time, I realized it came with Humility.  Humility allows for us to be a living sacrifice, for if we want to serve the Lord, we need to put aside ourselves, something that renewal in Him gives us.

So there I was, humbled at my feeble attempts of service knowing I can only serve Him in that state, and slightly reminded of how I felt when I was first saved... grace alone.

For me, discerning God's will is searching for first if the question I have can be found in His word, and then which choice brings Him more glory, yet sometimes, when you're living with Christ as a total servant, you just know where He is leading you - that's how I felt about Thailand.
Then, as I felt that call, verses like Isaiah 6:8-9, Matthew 28 (blog title), and Jeremiah 1:4-9 that I kept coming to in my readings, were qualification for what I needed to do.



Today was the day I went in the city with my parents to apply for my visa in the Thai Consulate.  I was less than prepared.  I had forgotten my student ID and had no photos (passport photos) to give of myself.  Yet, in talking to the man, he said the ID wasn't necessary and the photos were easy to get - just down the block.  Everything worked out.  This has been the case since day one - everything works out.  When things like that happen, I have no question in my mind that the Lord is leading me to do His will in this way, and it takes me being humbled at my weakness/mistakes, and then in awe of His greatness that He would use me.
Suffice to say, I'm working on knocking down the "high things" in my life, that I may serve Him completely - in doing so, I have confidence that He leads me towards His will, even if I may at time be blind to it.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.